slate advice column care and feeding02 Apr slate advice column care and feeding
The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. She does, however, like to sneak snacks. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. Moving is hard, but in the middle of a school year seems especially tough. And thats not easy. I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! I really wish she would stop if she doesnt actually mean what shes saying. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. All rights reserved. slate advice columns care and feeding. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. Its college-selecting time for my 18-year-old. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Uh, No Thanks. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. (Questions may be edited for publication.). What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. I would prefer she choose the state school. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! She took the baby and left the room to feed him. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. It Was Surreal to Accept It. Additionally, you should enlist a friend or family member to stand by your side when you talk to him in person so you have that extra support. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. Slate Advice Columns Dear Prudence Care and Feeding How To Do It This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A [deleted] Additional comment actions [removed] Reply Allianoraa Additional comment actions In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Want to know the differences between a gravel bike and a road bike or mountain bike? In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. This is not your problem. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. How To Do It. If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? All rights reserved. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. I honestly dont know. And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother cannot be good for your other children, either. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. Here's the lowdown ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. I think you do have to get back into therapy. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. Put bluntly, shes flat out disrespecting you. Or ladybugs. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. thioacetone amazonafilmy4wap production Dear Care and. Close the door. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. Photo illustration by Slate. And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. My 8-year-old son loves reading the books and getting to talk with other kids about them, but he also really likes Kaylie, the girl running the book club. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. 3 Beds. Its anonymous! Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. Answer: Join Slate Plus. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. Is there something about your relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality? This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). If he asks you to put on a pair of gloves, dont worry so much about being neutral. Just say I dont want to/need to put on gloves right now and go about your business. I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. She feels controlled and trapped. Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! I cant stand to read baby announcements. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. It will be! Or Scotch tape. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). I Despise My In-Laws. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. interface language. Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Yes, I completely understand how upsetting it is to watch your daughter struggle, but she has to learn to figure out how to deal with this on her own, or else youre looking at a lifetime of enabling her, and I know you dont want that. It had better be one that doesnt include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. Dont make it your problem. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. Uh, No Thanks. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. by . She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. A book based on the column titled Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com's Beloved Advice Column will be released on April 4, 2023. 2.5 Baths. Your baby is HUGE!. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? Have a question for Care and Feeding? My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. Even visits to the pediatrician were sad and depressing. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. No matter what, dont let this slide. When will it end? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. Its time for this man to do the same. Photo illustration by Slate. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. Have a question for Care and Feeding? To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. Intentions arent everything. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. No, Im sorry. My daughter is beautiful. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. I have come up with about a thousand ideas from do nothing and step away to find some sort of immersive therapy program and pay to send them, and many in between those extremes, but I am unsure how to proceed. He has little to no family left alive, and those that are do not provide him guidance. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Its anonymous! They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. There are two new voices behind Care and Feeding, Slate's parenting advice column, who are going to offer a wide range of guidance to curious and concerned parents. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. Your baby is HUGE! The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. Thank you in advance. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. My youngest daughter is 10 months old andat her birthwas diagnosed with a very rare genetic disorder that brings with it a wide range of physical and intellectual disabilities. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. 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